Old Movies

In the middle of watching old movies, well, not too old, just to state more clearly, 90’s flick, I begin to think of those flashbacks when I had loved at that very young age. When I felt those awkward feelings and had a tremendous overtime with blushing. Ah, those were the days! One would say.

My favorite line at My Best Friend’s Wedding is the conversation between Julianne and Michael. He said in recollection to her “Kimy says if you love someone you just say it …you say it right then… out loud! Otherwise, the moment just…passes you by…”

True, indeed as it should be, but, oftentimes we tend to go to the other direction where it is less complicating. We runaway from the possibility and just make do with for the moment. We never assume to measure up to the signs of the times that is why we let go of the one who could have been but got away.

Anyway, what I am going to relate in this entry isn’t really in direct connection with some parts above. Am I making any sense? Ok. I guess not then. Well, scratch that.

Going back to the serious part of the subject matter my elder sister calls it being a "pack-rat", but not letting go is not about being hopeless. I call it holding on. And oh well, people might think it's a martyrdom state of mind but what can one do when she is just being human?

I am not one person who pretends. If I like you I'll tell you if i don't I'll show you...hehehe.

I miss him. I say this with heartfelt recollection of my one great love BingBong. All that were scribbled in it were written with much longing for the past. I so much want to undo my mistakes with him. I so much want to rekindle what we had. I wish what came about for us could be like old movies that I could record in a CD for keepsake; that I could go over for a rerun.

But what we had wasn’t like the old movies, and still there are some particular moments in our time together that I want to go back to and relive the events over and over again like I would Sleepless in Seattle. I want to go back to when he would give up celibacy for me and embrace the opportunity without a second’s hesitation. Or those times when he would pull me from the group during choir meetings and rehearsals just to ask how I was.


Why couldn’t I let go of him completely? Why is the life with him so intoxicating? Why did we have to have such ending? When I think about how we could have had a really wonderful life together I sigh with thoughts of City of Angels. Life is so unfair.

Since breaking up with him in 1996 my end goal had been to be able to see him once again even if it means for the last time. I still haven’t gotten a glimpse of him since then. But I believe this world isn’t going to end until we get that one-day. Yes, I know this is crazy, but trust me, I’ve resolved to worse.

Worse for me translates to resolutions for my temporary insanity such as breaking codes for both our names just to bring them together. I check on how he is by reading his horoscope and see if mine matches his for the day. I also found out that in the Chinese calendar we were born on the same day only not on the same year. I was born on August 12, 1979, whereas, he on August 12, 1973. And ever since then, guess what? Surprise, surprise! August 12 had been my lucky bet for the lottery (not that I play often). This, on the other hand, made me believe that we were soul mates, only, in another life.

It’s been almost ten years since. I am in a relationship now and sometimes I feel guilty that despite loving my current flame, there will always be a part of me that will forever long for my One Great Love. As if I am just getting myself equipped with somebody just to live for the meantime, but not really live in the entire sense of the word. I am vulnerable. I seem to think that if there is someone by my side I will not be shaken…I will be ok. It serves like a source for my strength to get by each day much as it is not fair to some affected parties.

Mandy Moore says to Shane West in A Walk to Remember, “I am afraid of not being with you…”

I love him because he saved me from my drowning solitude. He was my rescuer from total desolation.





I want to love freely.

Chaque fois que tu ton va, je pretend que tu fais bien…

(Every time you walk away, I pretend that I’m ok…)

-Excerpts from “Til I Get Over You”
By Michelle Branch & John Shanks

I Miss You Still

Copyright ©2005 Theren Alexander