Epifanio

I have never been scared of the dark all my life. I never reckoned the day when I will ever be...

I remember fondly the rare times when my dad had ever imparted his wisdom to me, moments which I may have already poured in this wilderness.

"Quitters never win; Winners never quit."

"Plan your life well."

My father has been the most influential person in my life. I have always considered what he would think of the decisions I make. He has been like a constant voice in my head guiding me in all my endeavours. A constant force that shaped me into this strong individual who is a part of your life now.

Daddy and I have been more than just parent and child. We have in more occasions than one mirrored each other's persona even if I did not take much of his outer features. We have shared the same love for coffee, the same passion for culinary art, the same principles and philosophies in life, the same measure of stubbornness...the same depth.

"Secretly I am daddy's girl." I remember once again having shared the thought to an estranged online friend (Galapagos).

To which his wit replied. "A secret no longer."

Our parents may not have endowed us with all the riches and comfort in this world, but they have kept us whole and intact. Up to this very day we are that one big happy family. So you can just imagine how alarmed I was at the prospect of losing that huge part of my life...how depression lurked.

I remember exactly how painfully it struck me bull's eye and how much the provocation had squeezed out my tears after having found out. The week before middle of December I was already informed of daddy's sudden attacks. His difficulty breathing and constant headaches. Daddy was not an easy patient to look after. He abhored the idea of being admitted to the hospital, even when his doctor has been advising it would be best for thorough observation and that congested heart, hypertension and all other diagnosis maybe treated accordingly. The only time he allowed himself for confinement lasted for only twenty four hours. So he has been on private home care ever since.

I had barely two hours of sleep when I was awakened by my mom's phone call about dad being rushed to the hospital. There was a possibility he will be admitted at the ICU. That kept me awake the whole time. I did not want to go to work. I wanted to grab an airline ticket to the earliest possible flight to Zamboanga that day just to hug my dad and let him know we were all there for him.

My mom did not speak for the first fifteen seconds when I bridged our call. I was already adamant for her to say something amidst my fears for the obvious. But she took time to cry helplessly, perhaps, because in most moments like this, one could become ultimately at a loss for words for a time. How I wished I could hug her too for comfort. The week prior to this day when she called me for this emergency, mom was already on the verge of giving up on dad. She said if he wouldn't cooperate one more time, she would already throw her hands up and go home to our house in Iloilo.

Not really knowing what best to console her with, I suggested for her to have more patience because it was what dad needed the most in a crucial time like this. I asked her: "Mom, did you already forget what you promised God when you married daddy? You told Him you will be with dad in sickness and in health..."

Mom was silent for a while. Then her reply to my text message came, "You are a good child. If because of that...I will."

I get so weak at the thought of anyone of my family being hurt. I could not stand hearing my mom helplessly crying one flight away from my embrace. But I had to be introduced to daddy's actual medical condition. When I got to speak to my younger sister Jen, she said, "I could not bear to look at him, I just don't have the courage." So she and I cried our hearts out for most of the time on that one-hour phone call I made. I was already imagining all the worst possibilities with flashbacks from the past...

Daddy coming home singing Oh My Papa when Papang (his father) died and him banging his fist really hard on the door to our bedroom that injured a hole on the wood when he was told that Mamang passed away.

I was very emotional and very scared which brought forth those horrifying thoughts of the deaths in the family in the past like a haunting. We were not prepared for this. I was particularly not ready to accept it. I still have so many plans for my Mom and Dad. Plans for them to enjoy the remaining years in their lives after they have sacrificed most of it to fend for our well-being and future.

When Albert accompanied me to a Catholic mass at the EDSA Shrine, I told him that I shall not anymore engage in any extra curricular activities until my father will show signs of recovery. So I sent Lai (our bible study group lecturer) a text message saying: "Good morning, Lai.I am not attending December 27. I have already canceled all my schedules for the rest of the year. I have a lot going in my mind rightnow. I need time alone to be in depth with our God. I am sorry to disappoint you but I am not changing my mind. I am going through an emotional turmoil. I can be very difficult to comprehend in times like this. I know you understand. When your father is tacked away somewhere fighting for his life and you are back here feeling useless, you can just imagine the dilemma I believe..."

There was a prayer brigade among friends and work mates."Prayer is really a powerful armour and friends are the best warriors you can have in battles like this..." So I put in thoughtfully.

It had been one most dreaded week. I had prayed that dad could hopefully spend Christmas at home, which didn't happen. But Tamahome suggested that: "God works in ways beyond what our human understanding can fathom."

Shortly after Christmas, that realization materialized. Mom told me dad will be checked out already. She added that this has somehow served as an eye-opener to daddy. He promised to follow through with his medication and diet if it will keep him from getting confined ever again.

What I got to learn in this short turbulence which shook me and my family almost off our wits was that there are miracles we don't often realize because we are too concentrated in the confines of how a miracle should transpire.

Miracles are friends who unselfishly offer to pray with you and for you. Who make sure you don't lose ground and will catch you when you do. Miracles are the little efforts to reach out to you in words of comfort and special intentions to help maintain your sanity in troubles like this. Miracles are time you willingly spare to listen and to care. But the greatest miracle is knowing that there will always be one Supreme Being who knows better whilst your despair, who is the greatest friend you can have when you submit your life according to His will.

Our elder brother was already worried about us coming to the verge of financial instability because dad was in a private hospital where the bill is more important than the patient's life. And it was going up each day. I told him, "But dad's life is most important. God will provide, you'll see."

HE DID!

"I love you, Lord, more than I can say..."

© Theren Alexander 2009