Thoughts for the Dawn...little pleasures of the mind, scribbled out of great inspirations from the hidden dungeon of her heart...

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Unopened Letter

For a time I kept my silence. I wanted to be very, very civil about what was happening between us. I was hurting, which was one honest fact I could not deny. But despite and in spite of that, I kept my silence. I kept still and kept calm. I tried to act ultra normal about all of it. Part of me wanted to let go and move on. Most of me wanted to stay and figure things out for my peace of mind. I am confounded.

When your loved one inflicts a tremendous pain in your palpitating matter, what can be a saving grace? Will there be a beautiful rescue from that quicksand, else could your attention be diverted to the more wonderful events in life than recognizing the pains that flaunt? It sounds as if a pitiful resolution to the weary heart, but a most gracious apathy for the quiet soul.

Here is my outcry to the individual who has crushed my world into a warren.

In the middle of our journey, you could have put the car to a halt and scream your defeat. We could have sailed towards splitting directions and rescued ourselves from drowning in the middle of the ocean. You could have allowed the bubble to ooze freely from that bottle of champagne. Why did you not just jump off the hanging bridge and left me there. Instead you pushed me to dive unexpectedly into the shallow river. So now I am in ICU, in a comma and brain damage.

Am I exaggerating with the adjectives? Well, should I begin to describe further about you, you must be very ready to take the dosage, lest the Valium.

For all that has happened because of what misconception you had about our relationship, it has brought me to the institution. I would look back, like everyone else does on the threshold of a shaky affair, how it had started so wonderfully for us; how it’s about to end badly as much.

I have taken the initiative and effort to pull the breaks and get off your car just to walk the remaining miles. Alone on the road to nowhere, I find a sense of freedom that is both imprisoning and relieving. Why is freedom this hard to take? Why can’t it just be the liberating feeling it’s supposed to be?

Because I loved you, loving you has caused me all these complications that I am sure I could be able to manage if without it. This love is the root to all the ache and pounding I feel inside right now; this love that you do not seem to value any longer; this love that is supposed to have cared just for you purely, that you have stained in a reckless attempt to experience it all.

I am walking the remaining miles, encountering life’s other bitter and sweet realities that I have closed my eyes on since loving you. They have opened my eyes wider to what great mistakes I have made, and pushed me to be thankful that I can grow from these mistakes. After all these that you have laid down for me, after burning my skin under the sun, and thinning my sandals on the rough road ahead, I have become better. I realized while tracking that aimless path to who-knows-where that there other cars, which will drive by, and I could stop to hitch for a ride back home.

Soon I will be over you. It will not be long until another traveler will come to my rescue.

I will be over you. I see a pick-up ahead. I’d say:

The sight of him freezes me. I haven’t felt like this since high school. I stand amazed in awe and wonder. I cannot begin to explain these strong feelings I have inside of me. Tonight on a shooting star I will make a wish for he and I and maybe tomorrow he will be mine.

I am over you...

Copyright ©2006 Theren Alexander

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

they say where love ends...love happens.

i could relate to what you wrote here :(

one day it will be ok.