...aplaya...

01.12.11

Dear Diary,

...i feel like i aimlessly agreed to pull my heart out from my chest, yet i needed to continue breathing while i stared at it bleeding in my hand...

The reason why I choose not to open my heart easily to anyone is because once it closes in on me, my heart is broken into a billion pieces the moment I have to let go...

I didn't know what to answer exactly when a good friend of mine asked me how I was. I smiled reluctantly and said, "I haven't been really okay since last quarter of 2009." This was the time when my Dad was first admitted to the hospital and then the ICU.

As far back in grade school as I can remember, I was always regarded as a BRAT and a SNOB. I would think that is because when I was little, I was always taken away from my family to my Great Grandmother's house who expressed her desire to adopt me. My childhood was all about growing up with grown-ups. I did not have as much opportunity to grow up with kids my age, not until Lola Mera passed away. She was my obvious parent, my protector, my original best friend. I resented every moment when my parents and siblings joked about my being an adopted child in the family. I knew it was just a joke, but as a child it made me feel like I did not belong in the family. I believe this is the core reason why I have huge issues with being set aside or taken for granted. I did not ask to have this state-of-mind...it was INFLICTED and it is not something that I enjoy feeling.

All those years back until 2008, I had gotten used to the idea that I did not have a family. I rather sought the love of a family in my friends. If I go back to the past, I mostly remember the life of someone who was a professional stow-away. My mother would already threaten to burn my clothes off my closet if I didn't come home. There was one occasion at a friend's house when her father introduced me as his other daughter and that thought made me happy for the longest time.

In 2008, after I experienced the biggest heartbreak of my life, God opened my heart through the life of a little boy who suddenly lost his mother. It helped me to regain the love and trust I never thought I felt for my family. The prodigal daughter returned home. Looking back I regret the ample time I wasted in self pity. More so, when my Dad started getting in and out of the hospital and my Mom's health was also already failing her, I felt bad that I had robbed myself with the love I should have felt in those many years when I was drowned in my stupid personal issues. Now, it feels like I am running out of time to show my parents how much I love them! Every time I hear that my parents are in pain, I panic. The first thing I would do is to turn to my friends for comfort.

I told my Mom at one time that I wanted to resign from work to be able to go home and take care of them. For once, I wanted to be able to embrace them if they felt any pain and not just call or send a text message to say it will be okay, because these are mere words of comfort that don't even comfort my own heart. The thought of resignation brought me to the arena where I needed to battle between my dreams versus my family. Being away having to face sad news from home every now and then affected my attitude at work and my relationship with my friends.

I am not okay...

I came to you as a friend, not as "SOMEONE" other people thought of otherwise. Even if you chose to listen to those immature social issues which almost ruined our friendship, it will not lessen the amount of respect and value I have always given you. I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND. You are one of the many reasons why I learned to value my family. You were there in that same garden the morning I found God.

I am sorry I am this person. But I promised you my maturity. Nothing changed with the way I feel about you and our friendship. If it doesn't look like it used to, that is because I put your happiness on top of my own. I got to realize one vital lesson from a movie, that each one of us have two sides, the Good and Bad, but when you love the person you will learn to embrace both.

I am not okay... but I will be One Day...

I told you I will not blog about it, but this is not just a blog. Part of this is a tribute to one of the most important individuals in my life. A celebration of thoughts that couldn't be contained and are now again buried in the depths with me.

...one day i will just be a beautiful painted memory, i wonder what you will miss about me...

© Theren Alexander 2011