cLOsEd d0OrS

By: Theren Alexander
August 1, 2007 (03:25 PM)


Every one of us has stories to tell once in a while. I have some now that I want to tell you about.
It's been over 11 years since I first really felt it for you. Our parting was what started it all. Now I am on the verge of almost letting go since I let you go. It seemed to have taken me all of forever and an ounce of eternity just keeping you, whilst your absence in my life. I have become immune and overly sensitive towards goodbyes.


Read closely. I will only write about this once just to get it out of my system.
When I said goodbye to Ricky, I did not look back or think for another second about regrets I may encounter with that conviction. It was something I did for the first time in my life which ushered a great relief afterwards. And it was what didn't fail to let me see how right I was in letting go.


When I nicknamed him as "Monster", I did not stop myself from doing so, because it was the only available word to describe him at the least. I remember him so well and the text messages he bombarded my cell phone with. He said that I was a Drama Queen. He told me how much he hated me being such. When I remember those text messages now, I laugh at the thought of the usual lines he is born with, "It Takes One to Know One." No wonder he is so mad that I turn into such what he calls a "Drama Queen", because I may have already beaten him to the throne! He is so wasted.


Ricky and I used to share a wonderful friendship. I would like to reckon it as somewhat one of those few friendships I can ever have in my life...with which I never wanted to lose no matter the odds...but that was at some point in time long ago. I never meant for anything to stain whatever respect I held up for him and our camaraderie. But when it came to the point that the other party was the one already losing the grip, and spreading the dirt, I can only try and hold still a bit more, but I can only do so much... I cannot withhold the force of nature.


I remember telling one friend in a text message one time when she just told me about getting into the biggest mess in her life and how it has caused her indecision that, "We are the ones who make our lives what it is." The fact that she allowed herself into that scenario determines that she has actually already made her decision on this note.


I allowed the unfolding of that part in my life when I turned my back on Ricky. I chose to, not just for the heck of it, but because it was one most life-changing decision I should make given our conflict.


I have become astray and careless after the final traces of your shadow left me. My reservations for love, friendship and just about any tidbit of life heightened as my fear of rejection and insecurity built up with your missing. I have stopped asking for signs and wishing for nine nights while counting the stars in consequence.


Ever since YOU, I have made many a letting-go letter in this tone:




I have spent sometime now thinking things over, and well, it hasn't been easy. When you love someone and know that you are the only one truly loving, it's never easy.

Believe me when I say, it is as much harder now having to compose you this letter. I want you to be happy because I love you. That is why I am letting go. I don't keep anything which isn't mine. Perhaps, it took me this long to really let go because I wanted it to come from you. After all this time, what I have gone through and all those pains I had to keep bottled up inside me, I believed YOU...not anyone else…

I am now freeing myself from all these shit because I deserve better. No one has the right to hurt me. And you will not be the first one.

I will be ok because I have lifted it all up to God, to take care of things for me. God has made me realize that lots of people love me and I am not losing my sanity for just one chanced love.
I will be praying for you…for all of you. After this my Faith has only been strengthened further.
I am still your friend if you need me. However, from here on, I am moving on with my life, and perhaps, I too will experience my well deserved happiness.

Thank you for becoming a sweet part of my life.

...leaving the building...




Simple yet blatant yet pathetic yet true…struggling yet accepting…


My fear of LOSS, of LETTING GO of EXODUS equate with the synonymy of my life’s phenomenal culmination before its striking commencement.


In college, my tsinovela-slash-koreanovela love story should have taken place if not for my unceasing hesitations and stupid hang-ups about my one great so-so, which has by this time already started to light up as something I alone connote for the longest time ever. It has labored point-blank to cause me my romances and the chance of finding my destined love affair.


When you consider someone your ONE GREAT LOVE and you don’t get into matrimony with that pre-determined soul, how would you qualify the successions afterwards? Or what is your basis for qualifying such ONE GREAT LOVE? Is it IDEALS? I don’t believe in IDEALS! But I have my trademarked ONE GREAT LOVE under my circumstances, undefined and no questions asked.


It leaves me to thinking now that, perhaps, that sleepy eyed dude from my university, who became for a time my good natured student for a pro bono English tutorial session, could be the love of my life. Did I intend for it to come about the situation would have been different now, with which instead of seeing him in Kim Rae Won I would more likely be seeing Kim Rae Won in him.


He only asked to have his arms around my shoulders…


He got me drank, on our second year as Kuya and Siobhe, simply put…friends, only to sum up some courage to ask me, “If I were to woe you to a level higher than our friendship, you think I stand a chance? I have loved you all this time.”


Well, you can slap me because yes I said NO, “I don’t want to lose our friendship.” I said this despite of the “connection” and “spark” I felt in that moment when he confessed his emotions for me.


BECAUSE I WAS afraid…

BECAUSE OF you…

BECAUSE I CONSIDERED THERE COULD NOT BE ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL WHO CAN EVER REPLACE WHO YOU ARE IN MY LIFE…


Now I realized that the reason why, after we exchanged roles in each other’s lives as English Tutor and Mandarin Tutor in the same year, he learned a lot from me and the English tutorial cassette tapes I let him borrow, while I on the other hand just digested “Ni Hao Ma?”
At the rate I am going, every tiny bit of refusal hasten me to conclude that there is less hope even at just the event of hoping. When I see every other aspect of my life failing to surge towards the greener pasture or the lighter side, I no longer question. The reasons are too obvious to state:


I HAVE CLOSED MY DOORS AS IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.



Copyright ©2007 Theren Alexander