CorNERstonEs

Written: May 18, 2007


I was dramatically drumming my fingers on my desk table and raising my right eyebrow every now and then, to let subside my temperament while waiting for the numbers to come. It was not one of the regular circumstances when I will be swayed in my mood swings. Not the numbers…especially not just those.


…unreasonable…misconstrued…out of the blue…spur of the moment… sudden…shocking…unexplainable…call it whatever…


I can’t understand it myself. It is this confusion that curtains it all.


Since getting out of that two-storey building, and finally eager to get the smell of what’s left of the late afternoon, that is not to my surprise wasn’t anymore there for my pleasure, I walk on straight into the parking lot without looking back to ride into my hitch. What was going on in my head at that time was that, “I wish I could just disappear.”


Yes. Please don’t try and stop me from expressing my inner will, because sometimes, it becomes the only resolve that I turn to in my solitaire. A few days back it used to be I wish I could just fly…or die…


If it comes to you in a tenfold of pain whenever I say it, how much more to me? I am the wanderer and these feelings come from inside of me and I just become crazy, out of being more than just tired or something else. I realized that growing up is painful, and in my unwarranted insanity I think of Peter Pan, with so much delight because around him I can be able to summon happy thoughts and fly.


Sometimes I wish I could just be left alone but I am traumatized by the lone.


I was watching Maging Sino Ka Man, the weekday television drama series over the boob tube, and was arrested at JB’s lines to Ely and Jacky; he said something about the kind of happiness he felt when he escorted himself into that far off island away from his grown up happiness borne of wealth and fame, which was beyond compare. This was the happiness that did not need elaboration, it was genuine.


There were these lines in the movie Music and Lyrics, from one of its soundtracks which said:

“ALL I WANT TO DO IS FIND A WAY BACK INTO LOVE.”

This I would like to borrow, and rephrase into my own state of mind:

ALL I WANT TO DO IS FIND A WAY BACK INTO… life…

Life used to be sweeter than sugar. There were trials in between, but life was really sweet at the least like sugar replacement. But still life was sweet.


These entire in mind, I was awaiting. Looking at the time that was passing by so fast, I realized that I was so angry and so tired. The funny thing was I did not know exactly where my anger was coming from, what’s funnier is that I couldn’t even laugh at it. My comic relief was in hiding. And by God, it has hidden with intent not to be found for the longer run!


One specific morning I awoke without a traced purpose. I grabbed my phone, turned on my recorder and whispered, “God help me through this day…”, and then I wiped a tear on my cheek and pulled myself up against my will. And life moved on. It had to. Out of this I sort of developed a focus just to get myself through this long running dilemma of my so-called life:

LIVE ONE SECOND AT A TIME.

I want to watch a load of cartoons on DVD; sit by the beach and just stare; step up a hilltop and scream all out; devour every single existing mango in the planet; sing; cry; be silent…


I miss my best friend’s big blue cozy bed, Ricky’s soft brown couch and Real Life. Right now I feel like I am in a maze, sleeping awake longer than Rip Van Winkle. Like walking in the clouds, falling to a sky dive, and going through the most difficult stage of trying to get over my fear of height, which ironically is part and parcel of my most ambitioned flight.





Copyright ©2007 Theren Alexander