Fall Out

03-30-10

Dear Diary,

I don't feel any better today, except for the fact that I am reading Nick Sparks and I watched Hancock in full finally! Ashley and Asher, my landlady's adorable niece and nephew have been two little angels who made me feel good today.

I have been typing on my phone's note pad since last night, and so far this is what I came up with:

FALL OUT

my greatest nemesis again arose
my silence as an escape from life
which signifies the world i know
the world i own is falling apart...

the realm in which this nemesis resides
is also my greatest weapon
against the pains pounding inside
i become better at becoming worst.

is it bad that more often than not
i become sentimental?

because...

i treasure you, i miss you, i love you...


is it bad because i become myself ultimately?


do you not accept me just the way i am?


i have a chest filled with questions.
a chest so heavy, i am six feet under the ground...


a message was written for me once:

"Tomorrow is a blank page just waiting to be filled with your dreams, all you have to do is be yourself and live the story that no one else can live."


i am trying to live a life now without you.

if this is the life i wanted is another story.

i succumb to the fact that i write about my
life with you...but without you...


what irony! what melodrama that the
AUDIENCE hate...


YOU always rescue me from my nemesis!
YOU always pull me out from the fire!
YOU always dive in to save me from drowning in my intoxication!
YOU are always there to pull me back from plunging into my death!


to RESURRECT me
to RECLAIM me
to let me know in a silent, gentle and caring whisper...
"THERE IS REASON TO LIVE".


i am missing the phantom who was always there
after the whole world has moved on without me...


at the very threshold of a cliff
while i cling for my wasted life
battling whether to let go or not
i feel like a bastard...worthless...unwanted...rejected...


i am back in my wilderness
...wHerE it bEgins it eNDs...
tiptoeing at the brink of an empty well
deepened and deafened by the absence
of the BREATH of LIFE...



© Theren Alexander 2010