Losing Friends

Near the end of 2005 I have lost two dear friends to hatred and pride. Not just because I was the only one who resolved to it, but all of us. I'd like to think that we have allowed ourselves to be victims of selfishness and self-pity.

When do you give up on friendship?Does it really end like any other normal relationship?

I met Mike fall of 2002 and Anny came about weeks or months after since she was just introduced to me by the former over cyberspace. We have been cyber bestfriends since then. It hadn't been like the usual friendship where you could meet up for the weekend and dine out or just have fun. We chatted.

What we had amongst us three was different but we had a lot of fun in those times. When birthdays come we give each other ecards. When seasons or occasions turn about we greet each other over emails or sms.

We loved each other. We made it a point to tell one another that we do just to reassure. I had not the slightest clue that these could change over time because of certain reasons. As the years rolled on us, we have become busier and busier and there was no more time to catch up on each other. We were losing track of time as much as our friendship. I thought that having to dive into that pre-occupation could not change how we were to each other. What I failed to realize was that "the only thing constant in the world is change".

So we changed as we drifted apart. Mike was always so point blank that our friendship should be retained no matter the odds. Until he was begining to complain about the time I spend on him or Anny. Until our time for each other was what broke us.

I don't want to deny it that I miss them. I have gone through several failed friendships in the past, some for very unreasonable circumstances. And it only hurts to think of it now. How can really close friends end up with bitterness for each other?

At a certain time in my life I remember I was really hurt by one of my most endearing friendships when I wrote this:

May 04, 2003 (Buenavista, Zamboanga City)

You may not seem to have noticed lately…our friendship is falling apart. This isn’t what I had in mind can happen to us and I feel bad. I never thought you will ever make me feel void because you have filled my life with so much hope, vitality and reason. And on short notice…lose it.

We have shared so much throughout the years. We have laughed and cried together in the span of our friendship. We’ve seen each other rise and fall. Through it all we helped each other get up even when the whole world is against us.

So many times you have let me down. I kept quiet. I did not want to task you too much. Because I believe that friends should always have a room tucked away for deeper understanding to make up for the shortcomings and false hopes in friendships. I still have that in my attic; only it needs dusting and total cleaning up.

I could adjust to the many times you disregard my need to have you around as my friend. I could convince myself to accept that there will be times when you will set priorities without including me in the list. I can accept that I am not a part of your life sometimes. I can very well make myself flexible to all these things and still be your best friend. But circumstances are beginning to spill and they spill out from me.

I hope you can feel what its like to know there is someone who is supposed to see you through all the ups and downs but can’t find even the shadow of that one person you count on when times of adversity strike you. So that you will know what rough road I am walking on and realize the distance between us.

I am not happy. I have not been since running away from home. You may think I can take it easy…I can’t! You can just imagine how much the pain is killing me…day by day it’s shortening my breathing.

I can recall instances when you’ve let me down. For most of the times, actually, you let me down. It’s either you sleep on me or you are simply not there and can’t be there. When you were drunk because your whole world was falling apart, I was there to collect all the awful vomit you had to choke out. I was there to sit up and not sleep just to make sure you don’t die of heart failure. I’m by you all the way.

The other night when I came home drunk, you were even mad that I had to come home to your boarding house and spread havoc in the middle of the night. You walked out on me, and left me surviving the ordeal myself. Not the thought to check out if I needed a breather, an ear or a shoulder to cry on. I believe you even disliked that I vomited on the foot of your bed and hated the smell of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if you cursed me for messing up in your bedroom. After all, what am I compared to your belongings?

I am a lousy runaway, if I have to say it myself. I have no complains because I chose to live with the circumstances. So what do you do when you’re all sucked up with the consequences…well, of course, other than breaking out or killing yourself…although, I contemplate on dying anytime soon… I need to move on with, nonetheless, myself. Because good-old self is always there for me, no questions asked.

By this time you have built your world away from me…and I am not surprised. I don’t need you to be my best friend because you have to be. Don’t make friendship an obligation, because I have not seen you again spontaneously take care of what we have as best friends from the times before when I did not need to remind you and knew that I am a part of your life and your world. Reality check is…I am not anymore and I have to accept it. Because I cannot complete your world and I can pass without difference if I’m not in your life now.

You can, of course, try to prove me wrong. It’s just that, “actions speak louder than words”, don’t you think so?

I am still searching for the happiness I well deserve…I’ll be fine.


From the heart,


This is who I am I'm afraid. No more no less. Maybe I have tendencies to become possesive otherwise careless. But this is all I am, all that I can offer for friendship. I don't want to add or subtract anything just to be accepted for friendship.

I believe in something.

Being friends is being able to accept all the best and worst points. It is seeing through the better changes of one’s fault or weak characteristic. It is about sharing wonderful moments in each other’s company be it at a hangout, over a telephone conversation, on the chat room, email or snail mail.

Being friends is about the willingness to be there at times of adversity even when you are in your worst and most impossible situation.

I remembered at one significant time, Pinoy, one of my best friends sent me a forwarded SMS saying that he may be a bad influence to me as a friend because he drinks and he smokes, but that as a friend, contrary to what he may be in person, he will be there for me even when he was in the middle of making love with his significant other…whenever I needed him. And you could just empathize to what I must have felt getting that kind of text message from him who was always away from me because of his studies. It was, by far, the most meaningful thought I have ever been given in my entire life.

Being friends is going through rough times just to lend each other shoulders to lean and cry on; where to cozy up and cuddle in until those worries go away. It is all about giving a huge and warm embrace to boost and encourage self-confidence. Friends are there to tell-off his friend’s mistake or the indecisions he is about to make in his life.

Being friends is being able to say, “I Love You”, honestly without a speck of doubt or malice. The beauty of friendship is, “the wind beneath our wings”. And as the saying goes, “Friendship is the first, the middle and the last of everything”.

Copyright ©2005 Theren Alexander